Why Are You Still Single?

This question can go in two completely different ways, can’t it? I used to appreciate it from well-meaning people who just wanted to communicate that they thought I was a catch. And I used to tell myself to give future side eye to people who turned this question into some sort of indictment of my value as if being single was a problem that needed to be fixed.

If I take a good, long look at myself, I have held both opinions about my life as well. When I felt that my life was severely lacking, I believe it was the curse of comparison that was the contributing factor. Surely, my life is lacking because it doesn’t look like her life. In my 30’s, I witnessed many of my friends get married and have kids. I didn’t feel like the odd (wo)man out as much as I felt other than. My social life became: different, different, different while my social status remained: same, same, same. The best way I can describe the experience is it was like showing up to school one day only to find out that all your friends transferred to another school.

Soon after the other than feelings began, so did the other than comments from people. One of the most frustrating conversations I used to have was with people who were trying to figure out what was wrong with me because I was still single. I mean, there’s gotta be a reason! “Maybe you should smile more, wear a little more makeup, act a little more girlie, have fewer thoughts, ideas & opinions”—all ‘reasons’ I heard as to why I didn’t “have a man”.

I used to both love and dread going home to visit friends and family. Loved visiting friends; dreaded visiting certain people who used my visit as an opportunity to remind me that they don’t approve of my relationship status. One time, the comment I got was, “Well, you’ve just given up, haven’t you? You just don’t care anymore!”

I don’t think that people come up with insensitive things to say because, at their core, they’re a jerk of a human being. I believe there is a bigger, overarching problem at work here. So many of us do not seem to be comfortable with people living their life outside of what we consider to be the norm. So if being married is the norm, that means being single is……..?

Some people (including myself at certain times in my single life) can’t seem to accept that singleness is not a condition that needs to be fixed. Every time a preacher mentions that ‘we’ve got to get all you single people married’, the accompanying message is that who you currently are needs to change. Whenever all the married folk hang out with each other & never include a single person into the mix, the accompanying message that gets reinforced is there is a separation of worlds that is right and just and it’s pointless for the married planet and the singles planet to ever collide.

Now, I am aware that there are some single folk who could give two flying figs what others think. They are perfectly fine being their perfectly single selves so deuces to all the naysayers. But there are other singles who hear the spoken or silent judgment of others and it stings a little bit. Because you desire the very thing others say is lacking in your life. And that “be focused and fulfilled in your singleness” rah rah session you get from advice givers wears thin after a while because while it’s a good mantra, it cannot account for the moments of loneliness or feeling other than.

So what do you do, Dear Single People, when you’re busy doing the ‘focused and fulfilled’ thing while simultaneously feeling a little less than focused and fulfilled? No seriously, I’m asking. Please tell me about your experience in the comments section. What does that looks like for you? What is your M.O.? Are there mottos you live by? What do you tell yourself when you’re feeling other than?

Here’s my response: For the past few years, I’ve thought a lot about what it means to be content. It was one of those words I felt low-level resentment towards every time I heard it because it sounded to me like:

“Just be happy with what you have and stop complaining!” OR

“I have no problems. My life is only sunshine and butterflies.” OR

“I am 100% carefree.”

But contentment is none of those things. What I understand it to be is that while I am in the midst of the unfulfilled hopes, dreams and desires of my life, I am able to enjoy what is currently in my life. Life doesn’t begin when ______________ happens. Life is here right now. And I’m going to be about it.

Dear Single Person: what say you?