When I was in grad school, Henry Louis Gates Jr. visited our campus for a guest lecture. He said something I will never forget: “If I could afford to pay for every African-American to get therapy, I would do it because we all need it.” And we need it in ways we do not even realize.

We all have unresolved issues in our lives whether it’s a family situation, a work issue, or internal struggles that we don’t talk about. In my training with mental health professionals who offer grief recovery assistance to their clients, I utilize the iceberg analogy to illustrate how only so much of our lives can be seen above the surface. The water is the dividing factor between what we reveal to others and what remains underneath the surface. What lies underneath is a litany of unfulfilled hopes, dreams, and expectations that nobody sees because we are either actively suppressing them or we are not yet even aware of their existence. Whether or not we are consciously aware, there is a mental, emotional, and physical price we pay for not healing from our past.

When we talk about comorbidity rates of African-Americans and how we die at higher rates to certain diseases, it is often discussed as a physical epidemic. There is a need for us to expand that conversation into the realms of the mind-body connection and know that everything we hold onto internally sets the framework for our physical, mental and emotional undoing. This is why Henry Louis Gates Jr. is telling us we need to be in therapy. This is why I, as an Advanced Grief Recovery Method Specialist, continue to create content that serves as a reminder that unresolved emotions occupy real estate in our bodies and to a toxic detriment. The work that we all need to actively engage in for the entirety of our lives is discovery and healing. And we need to start back in our childhood and work forward from there.

When I was in junior high, I was bullied by way of being ostracized. My friends in the sixth grade decided to no longer be my friends in the seventh grade because a popular eighth grader didn’t like me. I spent most of the seventh grade by myself. I couldn’t handle the pain, disappointment, and betrayal of my friends so my protective response was to tell myself every day that everything was “okay.” Because I did not truthfully process my emotions or confront my friends, the toxic lesson I carried around with me into adulthood is that I’m unlovable. This is what happens when we don’t properly process our pain: we carry it with us, and it continues to restrict our life.

It wasn’t until I saw a therapist that specializes in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) that I realized the extent of my pain. What I had minimized in my mind for decades was actually chronic trauma. The process of EMDR allowed me to disconnect from the trauma to the degree that I could recognize the event as an experience instead of it playing out as a part of my identity. And it changed my life because it caused me to reevaluate, reassess, and reestablish my sense of value to myself and to the world. And this is just one chapter in the story of my life.

We all have chapters in the story of our lives that have not yet been read. But it is time for us as individuals and as a community to dare to open the pages that have remained shut and address all the heartbreak and heal from all the things. I love the sweatshirt that says, “I am my ancestor’s wildest dream.” Our ancestors carried us this far in faith. The greatest gift we can give ourselves in carrying out their legacy is to take care of ourselves deeply.

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This is clearly not the first time that someone has used their platform to say something divisive only to turn around and call for love and peace for all mankind. Knowing this type of cognitive dissonance exists, some question why bother to be affected emotionally by it. Well, my response can be found in yet another pivotal quote from James Baldwin:

“To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a state of rage almost, almost all of the time — and in one’s work. And part of the rage is this: It isn’t only what is happening to you. But it’s what’s happening all around you and all of the time in the face of the most extraordinary and criminal indifference, indifference of most white people in this country, and their ignorance. Now, since this is so, it’s a great temptation to simplify the issues under the illusion that if you simplify them enough, people will recognize them. I think this illusion is very dangerous because, in fact, it isn’t the way it works. A complex thing can’t be made simple. You simply have to try to deal with it in all its complexity and hope to get that complexity across.

Trump’s re-election did not consciously activate any emotion until two days later. My delayed reaction is a habit that began in my childhood where I would pretend that everything was good when it was not. “Everything is okay,” has been my personal mantra to circumvent having to acknowledge and process what I am actually feeling.

After the election, I spent the first couple of days in group text threads and social media posts getting a pulse on how people were feeling. The few people who chose to talk about how they were feeling were met by commenters who were incredulous to any emotion felt and spent. The responses shifted away from emotion and towards intellect and planning. “You didn’t see this coming?!” “I wouldn’t waste one precious ounce of energy on that clown.” “I’m going to sit out these next four years.”

One of the most significant complexities I know of concerning the Black experience in America is the habitual circumventing of the emotional impact of living in this country. We can witness and gather together with collective outrage over moments in life that are expressions of anti-blackness and never get around to acknowledging and processing our uniquely personal losses. The destigmatization of mental health has freed people to not feel shame going to a trained professional to get help with a particular past event. The next step of destigmatization for black mental health is to engage in the consistent practice of processing all our unresolved emotions, especially the ones we ignore. Emotions occupy real estate inside our bodies and when that real estate is toxic, we will experience its mental and physical effects.

The scope of public incidents surrounding anti-blackness is vast. They are as macro as witnessing an unarmed black man being murdered or as micro as being followed by security guard in a store. No matter the scope, each occurrence introduces a deeper level of complexity to our grief, the desire to heal from a loss that is intangible. We have seen brutality and ignorance, but how do you go about grieving the feeling and experience of a loss of safety? This is what I believe is the source of Baldwin’s assertion that to be conscious is to be in a state of rage.

When you have someone rise to power who coddles white supremacist groups, even if your physical life is not presently in danger, the sense of potential harm, already stored in your cells, persists. What then do we do? My suggestions are not new, just necessary.

1) Decrease stress
If you are well-practiced at suppressing your emotions, begin today to find one thing in your life that reduces your stress. You know what you need. Is it therapy? Setting a boundary with a friend or family member? (Nedra Glover Tawwab has written two books on this matter: Set Boundaries, Find Peace & Drama Free).
I also cannot more highly recommend a particular type of therapy called EMDR which helps you disconnect from the trauma of your past so, although the experience still exists, it is no longer a part of your identity.

2) Increase joy
Sometimes the pain of life causes us to be numb to things that we once enjoyed. My prayer is that you rediscover hobbies and friends that are good for your heart and nurture those them.

3) Process all the unresolved emotions that is within your power to do so.
Grief does not have separate compartments inside our hearts. Grief is cumulative. Each unresolved incident is like an individual strain in an interconnected circuitry of pain, heartbreak, and disappointment. It behooves us to clear out as much of these toxic emotions as possible. I know quite a few African-Americans who specialize in the field of grief recovery. I am happy to make a referral should you be ready to begin the work.

The greatest example of self-care I saw last week was the choice that Kamala Harris and Michelle Obama made to skip the pomp and circumstance. May every choice we make be ripe with the boldness to choose, love, and heal ourselves.

The post When We Give Ourselves Permission to Grieve appeared first on Jocelyn Jackson Williams.

This fairy-tale land of colorblindness reached new heights when Obama was elected President of the United States. We began to have conversations of living in a post-racial society because a black man became ‘leader of the free world.’ And yet here we are ushering in a second Trump presidency where political pundits will swear it was the price of eggs that got him re-elected. We have been and continue to be in the throes of an insidious collective consciousness that denies the existence and effects of racism. The people I have grown more and more concerned with contributing to this proliferation are content creators. Their reach is vast and I fear many of us may condone subtle moments of anti-blackness for the sake of being entertained.

When love sees no color through jokes
Just a couple of months ago, I felt compelled to write about an incident where Andrew Schulz claimed to be making a joke about black women that many others, including myself, found to be anti-black at its core. In response to the backlash, he said, “In my opinion, everyone gets these jokes. Once there’s a protected group, it either means we think more or less of that group than everybody else. And I don’t feel that way.”. But if that were true, why on Beyonce’s internet did he engage in comparisons? Why ask the black male guests if they prefer black women or white women? Why when he asks the guests to name women that they think are hot would he have a problem with the black man answering Meg Thee Stallion?

It’s crazy-making as a black woman to feel disregarded and be disrespected only to be told “Well, that’s not what I meant. That’s not what I see. That’s not who I am.” Either he is willfully ignorant or he is playing in our face. And if it’s the latter, he will continue to be checked.

There’s so much talk about whether the line in Kendrick Lamar’s wacced out murals was about Schulz. Technically, it is not. Kendrick may be referencing Schulz as the white comedian but Kendrick is speaking directly to the black people Schulz surrounds himself with.

When Kanye famously said that slavery was a choice, if his free thinking were coherent, what he meant to say was it must have been horrifying to exist within a system that dehumanizes and subjugates you and you don’t know how to free yourself from it. The system has changed but we find ourselves existing in a very similar dynamic. However, unlike our ancestors, we have agency. We don’t have to play along. We don’t have to play nice. We have the ability to establish the rules of engagement. And in so doing, they see us a little more clearly.

When we love sees no color through dancing
There is a TikToker who goes by the name of ladyintgebathroom (yes, with a g). Her content consists of spot-on lip syncing and dancing to a variety of songs, many of them in the hip hop/R&B genre. Some people, including myself, assumed she was down with the culture because she was ten toes down with the music. Cue the record scratch in my head when she reposted multiple posts/comments from Trump supporters. Many black folks posted their own content explaining the math of singing and dancing to black music plus Donald Trump equals cultural appropriation. It’s the counter-response to this thought from other black people that worries me; they deny the possibility of cultural appropriation stating hip-hop/R&B is not “our” music; the music is for everyone. While it is true that the music is available for everyone to listen, it is equally true that the creators of the music she uses for her content are black. Many of us have concerns about Trump enacting policies that promote anti-blackness. (To be clear, when I say us, I mean this percentage of us as stated by NPR: 89% of black women and 74% of black men.)

During Trump’s last presidency, he criminalized BLM protestors but supported those who participated in the Charlottesville hate parade. When he says Make America Great Again, he demonstrates what he means by the people he puts in power. His past and present cabinets are predominantly white men; his hiring perpetuates privilege for them while we watch from the seats of meritocracy.

The lady in the bathroom re-posted this graphic on Facebook that shows two women, one wearing shirts that combined say “You should be able to have strong opinions and be friends with people who think differently.” But differences do matter in friendships. How ironic that they’re both smiling while hiding behind their shades. To this meme, I reply with the words of James Baldwin: “We can disagree and still love each other, unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” We may never get to this conversation with the lady in the bathroom because we suffice to watch her dance all our cares away. So, while we’re busy telling people our music is for everyone, let us engage that same energy in discovering if people are truly for us.

The lesson of the day for me is that we, as black people, need to be conscious and careful of what we entertain. Let us recognize the spirit that is underneath the amusement. Let us discern when we have judged a book by its cover and not its content. May we not numb ourselves at the expense of upholding and affirming one another. Asé!

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In 2002, my mom died. A month later was her birthday. A month after that was Thanksgiving. A month after that was Christmas. It felt like the emotional equivalent of getting knocked out in a fight; while I was trying to get up, I got pushed back down; as I attempt to get on my feet again, I get the wind knocked out of me; before I can recover from that blow, I get knocked out again. By the time New Year’s Eve arrived that year, my unresolved grief made me emotionally ripe to make poor decisions; my rationale for those decisions was I deserved to feel happy. Thankfully, it didn’t take long for me to figure out that drinking a boba a day, eating chili cheese fries at midnight, and dating Mr. Wrong were not good long-term solutions for my pain.

Every coping mechanism I tried out was an attempt to soothe the discomfort I felt but could not articulate. While there are many ways to describe the grieving experience, the one I found most applicable during the holiday season is the same one that the Grief Recovery Institute would call the best definition of grief you will ever find: the feeling of reaching out for someone who has been there for you only to realize that when you need them one more time, they are no longer there. This is the pain and heartbreak that resides inside our bodies while we make our best attempts to match the happiness of the season.

Because of the work I do in this field, I am keenly aware of the temptation to keep up appearances that ‘all is well’ when it is not. I am also attuned to the fact that many of us have unspoken and unfulfilled hopes and dreams that we do not share with others. For those of you who are socially present yet simultaneously feel emotionally invisible, I’d like to spend a moment or two to recognize you. Although there is no way for me to capture every person’s situation, I would like to highlight a few:

If this is your first holiday season without your loved one…or your second or third and you are reminded that nothing will ever be the same

If this was your year to be boo’d up but it didn’t happen……again

You stop watching commercials because you know that you will see the one with the happy family laughing together and enjoying each other’s company. You don’t make plans because you know that something or someone is going to remind you of what you have lost. Instead, you make plans to be by yourself so you can avoid all the painful reminders that life provides. There is a term called anticipatory grief that applies to situations where you’re looking ahead to the emotional pain that you expect future events to have for you. If this sounds like you, here are a few helpful tips to navigate this season in the most healthy and healing ways:

1. Don’t fake it ‘til you make it. Practice telling the truth about yourself.
There are cultural traditions many of us were raised in that prolong our pain and teach us that it is not socially safe to be our genuine selves. Within the African-American community, young black girls learn that they are to become “strong black women.” Some of the ways that young black boys are taught to be “a man” are tied to toxic masculinity. In both instances, we grow up learning how to be performative as we suppress how we truly feel. The best way to overcome our performative natures is to adopt the practice telling the truth about ourselves. There is a tension we must navigate when faced with the decision of how truthful we choose to be: we either hide the truth to keep up appearances or we take the risk of being judged or criticized for telling our truth. As we engage in the practice of the latter, we are also teaching and reminding ourselves that revealing is the precursor to healing.

2. Don’t confuse a coping mechanism with healing. Create new healthy coping mechanisms.
My boba-a-day habit and midnight comfort meals seemed like a good coping strategy until the scale told me different. I loved the instant relief it gave me from the pain but that high wore off quickly. The foods that were comforting my emotions had to be swapped with foods that nourished and healed my body. Whatever your emotional coping of choice may be, it is in your best interest to find a healthier alternative. Maybe your coping mechanism is already healthy. If that is the case, then it is important to know that…

3. Coping mechanisms will only get you so far. Find a program, group, support system to help you process your unresolved emotions.
Anyone who knows me knows what I am going to suggest. I have not found a better way to say goodbye to the pain that you associate to a particular relationship than that of the Grief Recovery Method. It is a program that identifies the unhealthy lessons you learned about coping with grief and teaches a step-by-step process of how to heal emotionally. You can check out the Grief Recovery Institute’s website or I would be happy to talk to you personally to point you in the right direction so you can see glimmers of hope and happiness in this upcoming holiday season.

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Schulz’s commentary was the breeding ground for disrespect to black women. But it was James and Fuhad’s reaction that caused the interview to go viral. The criticism they received was that they should not have been laughing at the jokes about black women but instead should have spoken up and put the host in check.

Here is where it gets murky. Schulz defended his comments by pointing out that he is a stand-up comedian and everything he said was merely a joke. After the fallout from that interview, he and his co-hosts spoke about the incident disregarding any claims that what he said was inappropriate. I kept thinking, am I being gaslit?

I rarely ask that question because as many therapists will tell you, we as a society misuse the term often. So, for this instance, is it gaslighting? Merriam-Webster’s definition of gaslighting is “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

And now I understand the murkiness. The victim/target in this instance was not present for this interview. What started as a compliment being given to black women in reference to the black wife effect, Schulz instead changed the narrative to depict black women as angry and scary. The questions of gaslighting come into play as many black women were offended only to be told that they were just jokes. But there is such a thing as a joke going too far. Don’t use stereotypes and tropes to make jokes at our expense. Surely, there are more creative ways to be funny.

That wasn’t the only comment; many things were said. Here are just a few necessary responses:

1. The part where people argue that he was just telling a joke. And that’s the subterfuge of comedy—you can say whatever you want as long as you make it a joke. Growing up, the motto we were taught was, “sticks and stones may break your bones, but names can never hurt you.” But sometimes they do. Sometimes people have mental and/or emotional struggles that get internally activated through external stimuli. One example of said stimulus is a joke. I, as a black woman, am particularly sensitive to narratives that paint black women as scary or difficult as if we corner the market on those traits. Joke or not, I am not a fan of perpetuating that narrative. So, you feel free to tell your little jokie-jokes and I’ll feel free to tell you it’s not funny.

2. The part where black men don’t have to protect black women from a joke.
One of the Flagrant co-hosts (who is neither black nor a woman) chose to say, “Black female friends don’t feel bad about this.” I hope he went back and read the comments because all I saw was black woman after black woman talking about how offensive the segment was. If any comment classifies as gaslighting, it’s this one: pretending that what has been said does not exist.

3. The part where he said that SNG’s real community doesn’t have a problem with the interview. Schulz kept talking about SNG’s community as if it’s their fan base. In reality, there were two communities at play: there’s a small c community (fans) and a large C community (the black diaspora). Schulz does not understand the latter so from his purview, the two camps are: fans and haters. And what do you do with a hater? You disregard anything they say, and that is what he has chosen to do with all the people who were offended.

Even if this incident is not a textbook example of gaslighting, it does serve as a textbook way of how to respond to anti-blackness. Call it out. Every time. It may seem fruitless like calling out into a void, but there is still purpose. We speak up and call things as they are. And when we don’t get it right the first time, like SNG in that interview, we do better next time.

This blog was also originally posted in my monthly column with the Sac Observer. Go there to check out more columns or to explore their award-winning journalism.

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As horrifying as that experience was, what was most upsetting for me was that some people chose to believe the rumors and treat me accordingly. I remember condescending attitudes and passive-aggressive comments. Mostly, I remember that there was nothing I could say to certain people to change their mind about me and what really happened. I learned the hard way that people will hold their opinion in higher esteem than a search for the truth.

Our opinions are not benign; they have consequences. And if you’re a young woman minding your own business in this world and are attacked by an onslaught of accusations, it is going to cause mental and emotional distress, if not lead to physical or sexual harm. But because the sticks and stones mentality persists, we’re taught to pretend that nothing affects us. Consequently, people don’t see the impact that rumors can have on someone’s life. “Harmless” gossip cannot provide the space for you to speak of others without causing harm.

While my situation was extreme, I see how young women are still having to deal with the effects of other’s words and opinions. For instance, not since the dating life of Taylor Swift in her early 20’s, have I heard so many people recklessly opine about someone as they currently do about Lori Harvey. No matter how well people think they know her because of who she dates or what she posts, the negative comments are conjecture.

And here’s why this is important to talk about this Black History Month. You cannot claim to uplift the culture while simultaneously denigrating a member of it. Your respect for the culture is capped at your level of respect for its individuals. Don’t play around with this. If you believe it’s important to celebrate Black History Month, one of the many ways you can do that on a daily basis is to keep Lori Harvey’s name out of your mouth. Ase.

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So, we found ourselves at an impasse. And unfortunately, it took me reaching a state of misery to end things.  Why did I need to suffer before I took action?  I mean, really!  What is that all about?!  I needed to figure myself out because I did not want to find myself in this position ever again.  The best advice I got came from a friend who said, “all you really need to know that you’re making the right decision is to speak out loud what’s actually happening.”

Here is an edited version of my take: “I’m dating this guy who made me feel really good about myself because he said he had the biggest crush on me. But as the weeks go by, he is more and more distant. He can’t seem to find time for me. I’ve become second place to his friends. But he’s a nice kisser so there’s that! And I’ve been telling myself it’s worth putting up with his nonsense but I’m pretty miserable.”  My predominant thought switched from the idea of, “I really need this” to the decision that “Girl, you don’t need this in your life!” 

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind .  Truer words were never spoken!  Dear Single Person: the next time you find yourself in a mental/emotional predicament, try speaking it out loud and see if it moves you in the direction you need to go.

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This is hands-down the BEST conversation I’ve ever had and heard about the topic.

Please share with anyone in your world who is trying to start a family. This is the conversation they need to hear.

Watch now:

#NIAW #IFAwareness #NationalInfertilityAwarenessWeek #WhatIWantYoutoKnow

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Her name is Ella Baker and she is often referred to as the Mother of the Civil Rights Movement.  And yet, many people still don’t know her name.  She would not see that as a problem, however, as she ardently believed, “One must do what one’s conscience bids them do and from no one except yourself, expect applause.”

The list is long and the correlations astonishing between the ideas she promoted in the mid 1900’s and the social climate we are faced with today.  Before there was Stacey Abrams, there was Ella Baker. Her contributions and achievements should be required reading for every present-day activist.  

Maybe you’ve just been looking to learn more about a significant person in history.  I can’t think of a better place to start than with Ella Baker.  She is highlighted in the PBS Series The African Americans: Many Rivers to Cross. 

There are also various speeches and biographies that you can explore on YouTube: 

Ella Baker Speaks!

The Story of Ella Baker

The Ella Baker Story

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Sounds like something influenced by The Bachelor, right?  Well, this experience took place a year before The Bachelor aired for the first time.  It was just two guys and a girl trying to navigate these murky waters of singleness.  My single life was as turbulent and unpredictable as they came. Highlights of my single days were: for a span of  two years, guys “dated” me not because they actually liked me but because they were bored; a guy took me out on a lavish date only to call me from jail the next week asking me to bail him out; and then there were the years where I just felt invisible to men.  Those experiences, and many more, are how I found comfort in seeing a grip of people drive up to that mansion hoping to find their forever boo. 

There are some who believe the whole thing is rigged for tv and no one in their right minds would ever go on a show like that to find love.  I disagree.  When dating in real life has left you feeling like you keep hosting parties that no one attends, why not try something else?!  While the moments of histrionics the show puts the suitors through are unnecessary, what I appreciate about the show is that it gives each person the opportunity to witness how they show up in relationships and hopefully challenge them to adjust to becoming their best dating self. From the most recent season of The Bachelorette, one of the fellas who got rejected talked about how the show was a blessing for him because it shook him out of the passive way he used to pursue relationships.  For every person that has ever asked me, “Why would you ever watch that show?!,” I contend that notwithstanding the inherent messiness of how they date, there are emotional and psychological lessons to learn about yourself in the midst of this type of environment.  

One of the biggest commentaries against The Bachelor is that many of the couples split up; the show is great in helping people hook up but then leaves those people ripe for ruin once the cameras stop rolling.  But it seems like the longer the show is on the air, the more successful it’s become in couples staying together.  Besides, aren’t we all out in these streets (pre and post pandemic) doing the best we know how, mitigating our baggage whilst learning how to be a better partner?  That’s what I get out of The Bachelor.  What’s ironic for me is that it’s uncharacteristic of me to follow a show that is so historically lacking in diversity.  And yet I’m fascinated.

My husband does not in the least bit share my views.  Here are his thoughts.

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I’m one of those people repulsed by The Bachelor. I hate the show. Period. While we dated and after we were married, my wife Jocelyn continued to suggest, then harass, then demand that I watch the show with her. She even had the audacity to say that it could be part of our “together time.” Clearly, I relented. I immediately regretted my decision. 

The grotesque performance romance on display does not sully love, as it were, but denigrates the human spirit trading the necessary “off camera” work of self-development for the on camera show of competition.  For the men on the show, especially when a dozen men are simultaneously dating one woman, their sensitivity is mocked, their bodies objectified as they are thrown into a competitive caldron of gamesmanship to win the affection if not arousal of one woman. Sounds familiar yes and possibly just rewards for a society that has objectified, belittled, mocked, stereotyped and lampooned women. All that I’ve said about the men on the show feigning in a baker’s dozen for one woman goes doubly so for the women locked in battle for a guy that couldn’t worth the level of humiliation and self-loathing required and displayed on the show. 

Now some will say that all The Bachelor is doing is making public what happens in private. I disagree. I agree. I disagree because usually 12 on 1 liaisons happen over a period of time and the full egg carton of suitors never meet. One could say that the show espouses honesty and transparency and the ultimate of adult behaviors, setting boundaries and asking for what you want. Herein I agree. But the show is, after all, a show. And what we know about a show is that what’s behind the curtain is more important and meaningful than what’s in front. We see, through careful editing and television witchcraft, what they want us to see. Emotions amplified for maximum effect. Cut away to the single teared cry. The anguish. The triumph. The ask. This is not reality. This is a presentation of reality that, because its gaze is pronounced or labeled as love or the search for love, is artificial and through its viewing and wide viewership is transforming the way love is seen, viewed and felt. 

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What say you?  I’m here for you to either vent or confess your Bachelor feelings.

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