Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Where Are You Looking?

Dear Single Person: Has anyone ever told you, “When you’re not looking is when Mr./Ms. Right will appear?” Do you find that advice as annoying as I do? That’s because it’s a brush-off cleverly disguised as helpful advice. The truth is that people meet people when they’re looking and when they’re not looking, when they’re ready to date and when they’re not ready to date, when the sun is shining and when it’s raining. Meetings are happening all the time whether or not someone is “looking.” The better advice to give a single person is, “Look, but don’t be thirsty (aka desperate).”

At the core of this weird cosmic law of not “looking” is the idea that if you dare to desire a relationship, you have effectively prohibited it from happening. Looking is actually important to an extent. If you don’t bother to look, you can miss out on an opportunity that is available to you. I don’t know how it is in the rest of the world, but in Los Angeles, my experience has been that the worst you can do as a single person is actually look interested in someone. I can’t count how many times I purposely chose not to look a cute guy in the eye because, after all, he’s cute. What the hell kind of sense does that make?! At some point you’ve got to look!

One more reason why “when you’re not looking is when they will appear” is stupid is that it contradicts the equally touted advice of “you just need to make yourself available and get out there more” advice. Which one is it? Don’t look or look everywhere??? Dear Advice Givers: stop confusing us!!!

Here’s what makes sense to me. Let’s call it my Looking Manifesto:

Looking is good. Looking is necessary. Looking means I keep my heart open for the possibility of meeting someone. I will not be defensive and appear aloof. I will smile. I will say “hello.” I will be open to whatever reaction I receive and I will not use a negative reaction or being ignored as an excuse to be closed off in the future. Looking is vulnerable because it opens me up to being rejected. But I am willing to endure that outcome because the worst thing isn’t being rejected; it’s losing hope.

I wanted to share this in case there are others out there who in some way believe it’s desperate or shameful or embarrassing to be looking. It’s not. We just have to look the right way.