Did I Miss the Boat?

I’m a glass half-empty kind of girl; my focus automatically goes to the void.

What’s missing in my life as a single person is so glaring right now, my mind can give way to some pretty jacked up thoughts and beliefs. From time to time, I wonder if I missed the boat. Throughout my 15+ years in Los Angeles, I have witnessed most of my friends meet and marry their mate. When the world seems to be happily moving along while you’re at a standstill, it’s so tempting to assume that something is wrong. And if something is wrong, who is to blame for it?

If I blame myself, I can say:
• It’s because you need to get out more and meet more people
• You’re too old; nobody wants you and nobody is brave enough to say that to your face
• You don’t pray enough about it

If I blame my church, I can say:
• There are no single people my age (early 40’s)
• We don’t have a ministry for singles
• Our church is too big which makes it impossible to meet people

If I blame God, I can say:
• He just forgot about me
• He’s just not that concerned
• He desires to bless others but not necessarily me

It’s one thing to feel like I missed the boat; it’s quite another to feel like there’s never been a boat coming for me.

I do understand that my life isn’t over and there’s more to come. But my biggest struggle is that I’ve been single for so long that this now feels like my lot in life. I pray, dream and desire for a family of my own but the almost two decades that I have spent predominantly single have claimed some sort of ownership over me. It feels like a never-ending season of life where boats with other people’s names keep cruising past me. My biggest fear is what if my boat never comes. (Oh, yeah. Did I mention that one time a man told me that he has a gift of prophecy and that his “word” for me was that if I didn’t get married by the age of 30, I would never get married. I knew he was off his rocker from the moment that he said it but try completely erasing that one from your memory once 30 comes and goes!)

One thing I know is that all of these thoughts and suspicions and worries cause chaos in my heart and in my mind. I know I must find a place of peace in the midst of the desire. But I also want what I want right now because I’ve waited long enough. And although that may be 100% true for my take on things, it doesn’t yield any peace in my life. I’ve been around long enough to know that wisdom, insight and blessing come from a thought life where peace reigns. My version of reality can be my greatest enemy because when it doesn’t match up with my desires, it starts a battle on the inside of me that I am doomed to lose every time. It’s a losing battle because I become more concerned with my discontent than anything else. And whenever discontent is my god, I no longer have access to the life I’m supposed to live; instead I just live with selective memory.

I need inclusive memory right about now. I need to see my life beyond that which surrounds me, beyond my experiences, beyond my current circumstances, beyond my seeming to endure forever circumstances, beyond my beyond.  I often believe that I am in a season of life that has been extended beyond its expiration date. And whenever I have that thought, I have to choose whether my attitude is going to go negative (which feels like right) or constructive. If I’m going to come out of this not wreaking of dejection or bitterness, my thoughts have to surpass my experience.

If you are single with a desire for a family of your own and you were hoping to read a conclusion that wipes away all the frustration and pain, I can’t do that for you. But what I can say that I pray mitigates the pain is that it is foolish to believe we know the future because of what we have experienced in the past. Maybe we need to say deuces to the boat imagery altogether or at least think about that boat from a different perspective. Maybe it’s more like waiting for a to-go order and you are number 16 and they call 12—13—14—15—17—18—19—20—21—16. The “boat” still comes in.