Sometimes It’s Not The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Now is the commencement time of year where companies market joy and togetherness and families post pictures in matching pajamas. We see so many images of happiness, they can exacerbate the feelings of loss and loneliness that we presently feel. There is grief in just navigating a holiday season without your loved one, or that romantic relationship, or that special friendship, just to name a few losses. Or maybe this time of year is a reminder of an unfulfilled hope or dream. No matter the circumstance, the sadness or loneliness you feel can be intensified when surrounded by holiday merriment. I know this all too well.

In 2002, my mom died. A month later was her birthday. A month after that was Thanksgiving. A month after that was Christmas. It felt like the emotional equivalent of getting knocked out in a fight; while I was trying to get up, I got pushed back down; as I attempt to get on my feet again, I get the wind knocked out of me; before I can recover from that blow, I get knocked out again. By the time New Year’s Eve arrived that year, my unresolved grief made me emotionally ripe to make poor decisions; my rationale for those decisions was I deserved to feel happy. Thankfully, it didn’t take long for me to figure out that drinking a boba a day, eating chili cheese fries at midnight, and dating Mr. Wrong were not good long-term solutions for my pain.

Every coping mechanism I tried out was an attempt to soothe the discomfort I felt but could not articulate. While there are many ways to describe the grieving experience, the one I found most applicable during the holiday season is the same one that the Grief Recovery Institute would call the best definition of grief you will ever find: the feeling of reaching out for someone who has been there for you only to realize that when you need them one more time, they are no longer there. This is the pain and heartbreak that resides inside our bodies while we make our best attempts to match the happiness of the season.

Because of the work I do in this field, I am keenly aware of the temptation to keep up appearances that ‘all is well’ when it is not. I am also attuned to the fact that many of us have unspoken and unfulfilled hopes and dreams that we do not share with others. For those of you who are socially present yet simultaneously feel emotionally invisible, I’d like to spend a moment or two to recognize you. Although there is no way for me to capture every person’s situation, I would like to highlight a few:

If this is your first holiday season without your loved one…or your second or third and you are reminded that nothing will ever be the same

If you dread having to spend time with a family member. Maybe they are toxic in personality, maybe you are keeping a secret of theirs that you wish you weren’t, maybe you can’t even put your finger on it, but they rub you the wrong way…

If this was your year to be boo’d up but it didn’t happen……again

You stop watching commercials because you know that you will see the one with the happy family laughing together and enjoying each other’s company. You don’t make plans because you know that something or someone is going to remind you of what you have lost. Instead, you make plans to be by yourself so you can avoid all the painful reminders that life provides. There is a term called anticipatory grief that applies to situations where you’re looking ahead to the emotional pain that you expect future events to have for you. If this sounds like you, here are a few helpful tips to navigate this season in the most healthy and healing ways:

1. Don’t fake it ‘til you make it. Practice telling the truth about yourself.
There are cultural traditions many of us were raised in that prolong our pain and teach us that it is not socially safe to be our genuine selves. Within the African-American community, young black girls learn that they are to become “strong black women.” Some of the ways that young black boys are taught to be “a man” are tied to toxic masculinity. In both instances, we grow up learning how to be performative as we suppress how we truly feel. The best way to overcome our performative natures is to adopt the practice telling the truth about ourselves. There is a tension we must navigate when faced with the decision of how truthful we choose to be: we either hide the truth to keep up appearances or we take the risk of being judged or criticized for telling our truth. As we engage in the practice of the latter, we are also teaching and reminding ourselves that revealing is the precursor to healing.

2. Don’t confuse a coping mechanism with healing. Create new healthy coping mechanisms.
My boba-a-day habit and midnight comfort meals seemed like a good coping strategy until the scale told me different. I loved the instant relief it gave me from the pain but that high wore off quickly. The foods that were comforting my emotions had to be swapped with foods that nourished and healed my body. Whatever your emotional coping of choice may be, it is in your best interest to find a healthier alternative. Maybe your coping mechanism is already healthy. If that is the case, then it is important to know that…

3. Coping mechanisms will only get you so far. Find a program, group, support system to help you process your unresolved emotions.
Anyone who knows me knows what I am going to suggest. I have not found a better way to say goodbye to the pain that you associate to a particular relationship than that of the Grief Recovery Method. It is a program that identifies the unhealthy lessons you learned about coping with grief and teaches a step-by-step process of how to heal emotionally. You can check out the Grief Recovery Institute’s website or I would be happy to talk to you personally to point you in the right direction so you can see glimmers of hope and happiness in this upcoming holiday season.