Double Line Confidence

Have you ever tried to pee on a stick? If you’re a perfectionist, it is one of those things that will keep you second-guessing your precision and hoping that you’re not screwing up the outcome. I engaged in my usual game of pee-on-stick self-doubt recently. But this time around was uniquely important.

“When you take this test, you should test positive for pregnancy.” That’s what my doctor told me. She said the positive result would be due to all the hormones I took. Throughout this infertility journey, I’ve taken so many pregnancy tests, I’ve lost count. All the results have come back negative. With this one, I found myself entertaining the fear that somehow even this test result would fail to produce the coveted double line.

I was wrong. It was positive. And even though the positive result was not an actual pregnancy, man, I felt fulfilled to see those lines for the first time. It was a quick, little reminder that all things are possible and it was a great moment of reprieve from the disappointment. 

As a part of my teaching at Grief Recovery trainings, I share my story of our journey with infertility. At my last training, one of the participants slipped me an anonymous note that read “Expect a miracle.”

And that’s exactly what we’re doing. “We are blessed and God loves us” is Angelo’s mantra.  Apparently, it is miraculous for a woman in her mid to late 40’s to have a baby.  The doctors and geneticists have shown us graph after graph and statistic after statistic that shows by my age, there is next to no hope to conceive. I understand that they are speaking through statistics and yet there is a different belief and desire inside me that won’t be extinguished. Now does that mean that our prayers, as well as the prayers of friends and family, will result in conception? I hope so.

This tends to be where someone chooses to correct me and tell me to have more faith and proclaim victory. But I didn’t write this to show everyone I know the correct answer. I didn’t write this as a sign that I have perfected my faith. I wrote this for people who have fears and are either afraid or ashamed to admit it. I wrote this for those of us out there who from time to time have moments of worst-case “what if” scenarios that need to be negotiated back into faith.

There is a complex world to navigate mentally, spiritually and emotionally when you have unfulfilled hopes and dreams. My first major adventure into this world was when I was single for decades longer than I expected to be. At its worst, my life seemed to be one disappointment after another. “Will I ever find “the one?” “Is there really someone out there for me? And if there is, where the hell is he?!”) It was after one particular break up that I changed my reaction from “this sucks” into “I know there is a plan. I don’t know what it is. But I refuse to be bitter.”

The most difficult question I used to ask myself was, “How would you feel about God if your prayer for a husband and a family never happens? Would you feel cheated? Would life for you seem unfair?” My answer was a complicated, “I would still love God but…..” Now that I am married, I find myself asking the same question in relation to starting a family. But this time around, I have been able to take the “but” out. I would still love God AND know that He loves me AND I wouldn’t fully understand why it didn’t work out they way we dreamed it would. The goal of my faith is to arrive at the conclusion in that “showing no concern for the uncertainties that lie ahead is the secret of walking with Jesus.”**

For a brief moment, my hope was in that evasive double line. But I would like my faith to keep deeper roots. Due to the rounds of genetic testing, we still have weeks, if not months, before we find out the results. I will continue to expect a miracle. And as grand of a miracle that conception would be, seeing that double line taught me that the biggest miracle I can hope to achieve in this life is not losing hope in my God.

**My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers