It was the relationship that needed to end but yet it persisted.  He told me he didn’t really want to be in a relationship but, at the same time, did not want me to be with anyone else.  And I kept quoting the famous line from Brokeback Mountain to myself: “I wish I knew how to quit you!”  We both had a hard time moving on from the hopes we had for the relationship.  He had thought about dating me for a long time and when it finally happened, he realized he was more fascinated with the idea of me than the actual me. On my end, I was so excited to be finally dating again, I wasn’t ready to go back to the dateless life. 

So, we found ourselves at an impasse. And unfortunately, it took me reaching a state of misery to end things.  Why did I need to suffer before I took action?  I mean, really!  What is that all about?!  I needed to figure myself out because I did not want to find myself in this position ever again.  The best advice I got came from a friend who said, “all you really need to know that you’re making the right decision is to speak out loud what’s actually happening.”

Here is an edited version of my take: “I’m dating this guy who made me feel really good about myself because he said he had the biggest crush on me. But as the weeks go by, he is more and more distant. He can’t seem to find time for me. I’ve become second place to his friends. But he’s a nice kisser so there’s that! And I’ve been telling myself it’s worth putting up with his nonsense but I’m pretty miserable.”  My predominant thought switched from the idea of, “I really need this” to the decision that “Girl, you don’t need this in your life!” 

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind .  Truer words were never spoken!  Dear Single Person: the next time you find yourself in a mental/emotional predicament, try speaking it out loud and see if it moves you in the direction you need to go.

The post Ending Things Takes Cajones..Here’s How to Get Them appeared first on Jocelyn Jackson Williams.

James (name has been changed) was tall, light, and handsome.  We had known each other for almost a year when he asked me out on a date.  I was thoroughly confused because his best friend had just asked me out on a date the week before.  “Don’t you guys talk to each other?,” I asked.  “Yes,” he said.  “We both like you so we think you should decide who you want to date.”

Sounds like something influenced by The Bachelor, right?  Well, this experience took place a year before The Bachelor aired for the first time.  It was just two guys and a girl trying to navigate these murky waters of singleness.  My single life was as turbulent and unpredictable as they came. Highlights of my single days were: for a span of  two years, guys “dated” me not because they actually liked me but because they were bored; a guy took me out on a lavish date only to call me from jail the next week asking me to bail him out; and then there were the years where I just felt invisible to men.  Those experiences, and many more, are how I found comfort in seeing a grip of people drive up to that mansion hoping to find their forever boo. 

There are some who believe the whole thing is rigged for tv and no one in their right minds would ever go on a show like that to find love.  I disagree.  When dating in real life has left you feeling like you keep hosting parties that no one attends, why not try something else?!  While the moments of histrionics the show puts the suitors through are unnecessary, what I appreciate about the show is that it gives each person the opportunity to witness how they show up in relationships and hopefully challenge them to adjust to becoming their best dating self. From the most recent season of The Bachelorette, one of the fellas who got rejected talked about how the show was a blessing for him because it shook him out of the passive way he used to pursue relationships.  For every person that has ever asked me, “Why would you ever watch that show?!,” I contend that notwithstanding the inherent messiness of how they date, there are emotional and psychological lessons to learn about yourself in the midst of this type of environment.  

One of the biggest commentaries against The Bachelor is that many of the couples split up; the show is great in helping people hook up but then leaves those people ripe for ruin once the cameras stop rolling.  But it seems like the longer the show is on the air, the more successful it’s become in couples staying together.  Besides, aren’t we all out in these streets (pre and post pandemic) doing the best we know how, mitigating our baggage whilst learning how to be a better partner?  That’s what I get out of The Bachelor.  What’s ironic for me is that it’s uncharacteristic of me to follow a show that is so historically lacking in diversity.  And yet I’m fascinated.

My husband does not in the least bit share my views.  Here are his thoughts.

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I’m one of those people repulsed by The Bachelor. I hate the show. Period. While we dated and after we were married, my wife Jocelyn continued to suggest, then harass, then demand that I watch the show with her. She even had the audacity to say that it could be part of our “together time.” Clearly, I relented. I immediately regretted my decision. 

The grotesque performance romance on display does not sully love, as it were, but denigrates the human spirit trading the necessary “off camera” work of self-development for the on camera show of competition.  For the men on the show, especially when a dozen men are simultaneously dating one woman, their sensitivity is mocked, their bodies objectified as they are thrown into a competitive caldron of gamesmanship to win the affection if not arousal of one woman. Sounds familiar yes and possibly just rewards for a society that has objectified, belittled, mocked, stereotyped and lampooned women. All that I’ve said about the men on the show feigning in a baker’s dozen for one woman goes doubly so for the women locked in battle for a guy that couldn’t worth the level of humiliation and self-loathing required and displayed on the show. 

Now some will say that all The Bachelor is doing is making public what happens in private. I disagree. I agree. I disagree because usually 12 on 1 liaisons happen over a period of time and the full egg carton of suitors never meet. One could say that the show espouses honesty and transparency and the ultimate of adult behaviors, setting boundaries and asking for what you want. Herein I agree. But the show is, after all, a show. And what we know about a show is that what’s behind the curtain is more important and meaningful than what’s in front. We see, through careful editing and television witchcraft, what they want us to see. Emotions amplified for maximum effect. Cut away to the single teared cry. The anguish. The triumph. The ask. This is not reality. This is a presentation of reality that, because its gaze is pronounced or labeled as love or the search for love, is artificial and through its viewing and wide viewership is transforming the way love is seen, viewed and felt. 

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What say you?  I’m here for you to either vent or confess your Bachelor feelings.

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This question can go in two completely different ways, can’t it? I used to appreciate it from well-meaning people who just wanted to communicate that they thought I was a catch. And I used to tell myself to give future side eye to people who turned this question into some sort of indictment of my value as if being single was a problem that needed to be fixed.

If I take a good, long look at myself, I have held both opinions about my life as well. When I felt that my life was severely lacking, I believe it was the curse of comparison that was the contributing factor. Surely, my life is lacking because it doesn’t look like her life. In my 30’s, I witnessed many of my friends get married and have kids. I didn’t feel like the odd (wo)man out as much as I felt other than. My social life became: different, different, different while my social status remained: same, same, same. The best way I can describe the experience is it was like showing up to school one day only to find out that all your friends transferred to another school.

Soon after the other than feelings began, so did the other than comments from people. One of the most frustrating conversations I used to have was with people who were trying to figure out what was wrong with me because I was still single. I mean, there’s gotta be a reason! “Maybe you should smile more, wear a little more makeup, act a little more girlie, have fewer thoughts, ideas & opinions”—all ‘reasons’ I heard as to why I didn’t “have a man”.

I used to both love and dread going home to visit friends and family. Loved visiting friends; dreaded visiting certain people who used my visit as an opportunity to remind me that they don’t approve of my relationship status. One time, the comment I got was, “Well, you’ve just given up, haven’t you? You just don’t care anymore!”

I don’t think that people come up with insensitive things to say because, at their core, they’re a jerk of a human being. I believe there is a bigger, overarching problem at work here. So many of us do not seem to be comfortable with people living their life outside of what we consider to be the norm. So if being married is the norm, that means being single is……..?

Some people (including myself at certain times in my single life) can’t seem to accept that singleness is not a condition that needs to be fixed. Every time a preacher mentions that ‘we’ve got to get all you single people married’, the accompanying message is that who you currently are needs to change. Whenever all the married folk hang out with each other & never include a single person into the mix, the accompanying message that gets reinforced is there is a separation of worlds that is right and just and it’s pointless for the married planet and the singles planet to ever collide.

Now, I am aware that there are some single folk who could give two flying figs what others think. They are perfectly fine being their perfectly single selves so deuces to all the naysayers. But there are other singles who hear the spoken or silent judgment of others and it stings a little bit. Because you desire the very thing others say is lacking in your life. And that “be focused and fulfilled in your singleness” rah rah session you get from advice givers wears thin after a while because while it’s a good mantra, it cannot account for the moments of loneliness or feeling other than.

So what do you do, Dear Single People, when you’re busy doing the ‘focused and fulfilled’ thing while simultaneously feeling a little less than focused and fulfilled? No seriously, I’m asking. Please tell me about your experience in the comments section. What does that looks like for you? What is your M.O.? Are there mottos you live by? What do you tell yourself when you’re feeling other than?

Here’s my response: For the past few years, I’ve thought a lot about what it means to be content. It was one of those words I felt low-level resentment towards every time I heard it because it sounded to me like:

“Just be happy with what you have and stop complaining!” OR

“I have no problems. My life is only sunshine and butterflies.” OR

“I am 100% carefree.”

But contentment is none of those things. What I understand it to be is that while I am in the midst of the unfulfilled hopes, dreams and desires of my life, I am able to enjoy what is currently in my life. Life doesn’t begin when ______________ happens. Life is here right now. And I’m going to be about it.

Dear Single Person: what say you?

The post Why Are You Still Single? appeared first on Jocelyn Jackson Williams.

When I was single, I had an almost two-decade long regret hanging over my head. I was in my mid 20’s and waiting tables (at a Creole restaurant.) A mother, father, and son came in to eat. They seemed like such a happy family. Every time I came to the table they were giggling about something. I finally figured out what all the laughter was about when they were about to leave. They got up from the table and the mom points to her son and tells me, “He has something he needs to say to you.” And then the parents walk out of the restaurant leaving their son to talk to me alone.

At the time, I was newly brokenhearted as my boyfriend had just broken up with me. I was not emotionally ready to start a new relationship. I needed a minute. So when he asked for my number, I told him no. But I never forgot about how kind and friendly he and his family was. And with each future subsequent failed relationship, I would reignite the thought, “If only I had said yes. If only I had been ready.” A decade went by and I was still saying the same thing to myself. Five more years after that decade went by, the same thought. The recurring thought was agonizing because that regret served as a very painful reminder that I can’t go back and change the past. And what was so damaging about this particular regret was that I believed it also affected my future. I thought I missed my one chance and I would never get one like it again.

As much as I could, I contradicted that mental doom with the belief that although that was a missed opportunity, another one will present itself………… eventually. Well, I would believe it sometimes and then when having a less than optimistic moment, I would re-entertain the “all is lost” theory. And when regret from the past wasn’t enough misery for me, I included future regret to go along with it; I imagined how perfect my life would have been had I not blown it.

Misery and regret seem to be a package deal. If it’s true that misery loves company, regret takes pictures of the company and keeps showing you the photo album.

Misery intensifies your regret. And the worst thing about regret is that it creates a pathway to hopelessness. And the worst thing about hopelessness is that it has the ability to time travel. At first, you remind yourself of your past regrets, only to mentally time travel into the future and envision the dream never comes to life, all the while effectively numbing your present happiness and satisfaction. Aint that a b!+c#!

I believe in order to be free from the misery, we’ve got to identify the regrets and recognize them for the life stealing mothersugars that they are. Just in case you are not in the habit of calling out your regrets by name, here are a few of these life-limiting beliefs that need to be kicked to the curb:

It’s all over because I missed that one opportunity.

There was only one person for me and now that it will never be, I am doomed for life.

I am being punished for making a mistake.

If only I had said this.

If only I had done that.

Dear Single People, please kill the “if only’s” of your life. Please please stop worshipping a thought that only serves your misery. I think it is superhero brave to have faith in your dreams for the future when nothing around you supports your hopes. In my decade and a half regret vs. hope melange, God would remind me that I had faith superpowers; but the more I focused on my regret, the less I could see what good could be in store for me.

In the throws of my regret, I was, at best, able to dull its sting. But I never quite achieved freedom from it. Here’s to hoping that you can and will!  If and when you do, please let me know about it.

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Dear Single People:

I want you to know that one of the greatest joys of my life is to write about the joys and trials of the single life.  I love having conversations with other single people about all things single.  This hasn’t changed even though I am now have a boyfriend.  Many people have asked me why I continue to write.  Here’s a little history of how this passion began and why I continue:

Three years ago I noticed a pattern in the way that I spoke about being single and I noticed that other single people seemed to be cut from the same mental cloth. When people spoke, I began to hear a common theme of loss: loss of dreams, loss of hope, loss of expectations. And what was more, I began to hear others express (and what I would sometimes feel myself as being) an overall sense of lack in relation to being single.

Two years ago, I thought about writing those thoughts down. The market has tons of books that will tell single people to focus on Jesus and just enjoy the season that they are in. In the arena of singleness, this society is proficient in promoting contentment but I couldn’t find anyone who would speak to the fact that amidst the gratitude and contentment, there also remains a longing for a mental, spiritual and physical connection with another human being.

Last year, I actually started writing about it. My aim was and is to speak from the heart of the unmet hopes and dreams inside us. While many people are quick to tell singles how they should feel, I want to skip those “pep talks” and give voice to some of the fears and emotions that are rarely acknowledged. The goal is not to wallow; the goal is to give value to the parts of our experience we are told to overlook and pretend don’t exist. But they do exist. And so I write about them.

Last December, I wrote a blog called ‘Tis the Season’ which talked about there being an entire season of life that heightens your awareness of being single. That season starts on Thanksgiving and ends on Valentine’s Day. During this time, there seems to be more couples and babies out in the streets and, God bless them, more family members reminding you of how you have let them down by not being married and having kids of your own.

It was my plan to do the start up blog (‘Tis the Season) and then around Valentine’s Day post the finishing touch to Singles Awareness Season (Hope in the Midst of Disappointment). This plan began to take place last Fall. In the midst of posting these two particular blogs, I began dating the love of my life. So when I posted Hope in the Midst of Disappointment, people who knew I had a boyfriend assumed I broke up with him. I did not. I am not. He’s a keeper!

Many people would tell me that the natural progression is for me to blog about dating but I’m not ready for that. My relationship status has changed but my desire to speak about the single experience has not. Perhaps until I’ve said everything I know to say about it, I won’t be done. So

Dear Single People: I’m still here thinking & feeling and writing about it.

The post Write On appeared first on Jocelyn Jackson Williams.

This Valentine’s Day marks the end of yet another Singles Awareness season. How was this one for you? Did you enjoy the season or suffer through it? Or was it a combination of both? I definitely had a combo platter of emotion. I keep picturing my single life as a roller coaster: up with giddiness and excitement one moment and down with disappointment the next. Roller coasters would lose their appeal if you had to stay on them ad nauseum. The downside in the ups and downs of dating bring me to the same outcome.

For longer than I care to remember, I have dreamed, imagined, wished, prayed, prepared for, and awaited Mr. Right’s appearance into my life. At some point, however, my expectations have mellowed out. It’s not that I have stopped dreaming, imagining, wishing, praying, preparing and awaiting. It’s just that the constant output of my hopes and dreams with no input to show for it is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I call it numbified hope.

The Bible says that: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Well, maybe that’s why I feel a little numb this year. My hope has been deferred for decades; there have been innumerable stops and starts. Nowadays my hope needs to take occasional naps to temper my desires amidst my present reality of boyfriendlessness.

I decided to read a Bible commentary to see if there was more I could learn from good ole Proverbs 13:12. The Asbury Bible Commentary says, “the satisfaction of hope or its frustration affects one’s mental and physical well-being. A fool, however, refuses to give up a desire, which in the end means disaster.” At first read, I understood it to say that I am stupid to keep hoping for something that has not happened. The reason I heard it that way is because that thought had been introduced to me before by a dream killing voice whispering in my ear a time or two or fifteen. Thankfully that’s not what the commentary means. I am not a fool for believing in an unfulfilled desire; the foolishness is when the desire is unwise and yet I continue to pursue it.

Even so, my desires matched with wise choices can all still feel like foolishness when I can’t seem to find anyone who wants to date me or when I start dating, I accumulate breakup after breakup. Sometimes I feel like one sandwich short of a picnic for keeping hope alive. I hear self-defeating thoughts like “Let’s be real here. If it hasn’t happened by now….” And when the thoughts get that low, I remember that nothing good can come from this place and I remind myself that I am the boss of my thought life, not the other way around. If it’s foolish to pursue an unhealthy desire, it’s just as dangerous to entertain unhealthy thoughts that cause me to believe the wrong things about my life. “If only I were more ____________, I would have someone.” “Nobody sees me.” “I’m just unlucky in love.” These thoughts don’t define me but they’re just significant enough to keep me wondering and before you know it, I’m off track trying to find my way back to my healthy thought life.

We have all dreams and beliefs living inside us about what our life should look like. And then the holidays came along (as they do every year) and viscerally heightened our awareness of that which we long for but do not have. Mistletoe may seem harmless and fun. Having a date for Valentine’s Day can seem to be an innocent wish. But if those wishes produce subconscious thoughts like “I wish I had someone to kiss” or “I wish I had someone to send flowers to/give me flowers”, it becomes a mini contribution to our pile of unfulfilled desire. And suddenly the silent weight of it all overshadows those hopes and dreams that used to be so bright in us.

My goal is to live a life unaffected by my disappointments. But how do I go about getting my disappointments to stop choking the life out of my hope?! Keeping hope alive is a real thing and I like what Pastor Rick Warren recently had to say about it:

In order to reach your goals, you have to figure out how to maintain your enthusiasm over the long haul. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Nothing great is ever accomplished without enthusiasm.” I believe that with all of my heart.  (But) how do you do that? How do you stay enthusiastic day after day in spite of delays and difficulties and dead ends and problems and pressures and criticisms? How do you stay enthusiastic for years?

Positive thinking is not enough. Pulling yourself up by your psychological bootstraps is not enough. Talking yourself into optimism is not enough. The way you stay enthusiastic for a lifetime is found in the word “enthusiasm.” The word “enthusiasm” comes from the Greek phrase en theos. En is the Greek word for the English word “in.” Theos is the Greek word for “God.” So en theos means to be “in God.” When you get in God, you will be enthusiastic.

In college, we had an annual rally called My Reality, Your Perception which was a socio-political attempt to help people stay woke. God’s attempts to get us to maintain hopeful hearts would be called ‘God Reality, Human Perception.’ One of my biggest challenges in life is for me to believe God is exactly who He says He is and will do exactly what He said He will do. That gentle voice of reassurance inside me that I call the Holy Spirit reminds me quite often to keep hope alive. Somewhere along the way I just stopped listening and therein lies my hope & enthusiasm problem; I listen to my circumstances more closely than I listen to God.

I’m going to reverse that order. God first, circumstances second. I’m going to see hope rise and despair crash & burn because I am determined to resuscitate the numbness in my heart into an expectant, vibrant hope. Life is too short for it to suck; it just can’t. It just can’t.

Dear Single People: let us enthusiastically keep hope alive.

The post Hope in the Midst of Disappointment appeared first on Jocelyn Jackson Williams.

I have what I call random memory. I can immediately recall what you ordered at that sushi restaurant two years ago but your guess is as good as mine in remembering what I did last weekend. Because of that, in the first few weeks of getting to know a guy, to prevent me from forgetting key moments of his life, I write down a few notes.

I recently found the notes I took when I was first getting to know January 2016 Boyfriend. After re-reading the list, I had the thought, “Wow, he looks really good…..on paper.” It’s not that any of the things he said about himself were lies; it was just that there were also a few character defects beneath the surface of his paper greatness that he didn’t happen to mention and would eventually cause me to pump the brakes.

Relationship expert Neil Clark Warren said that for years he would conduct relationship autopsies on couples that broke up to discover the demise of the relationship. Because I think that’s genius, I found a few questions to ask myself: Every time he gave me 2 plus 3 and tried to convince me it equals 4, did I speak on it? Was there any time in the relationship where I a silent observer in the discovery process when I should have been an active participant or outright protestor? How well did I actually show up? I feel like there’s a delicate balancing act early on between focusing on enjoying the other person’s company and learning what you need to know about them.

Sometimes, I just want the guy to tell me everything about himself at the beginning so I know whether or not I’m wasting my or his time. But that’s not possible because it takes time for people to be their authentic selves and that means it takes time to see what you’re really working with. But our time is valuable, so why waste your precious energy or invest your heart into someone you would never have gone on a second date with had you known then what you know now? Why can’t we cut to the chase in dating?

Well let’s imagine for a moment that it is possible to skip past all that getting to know you junk. What if we had the ability to read someone’s mail instantly? If someone invented a way for us to do that, it would be something like a transparency button that you take with you on a first date. The button compels your date to tell the truth about themselves. For instance:

“I’m compulsively flirtatious which causes an issue with everyone I date but it won’t stop me. I gotta be me!”

“My relationship with my mother/father was so negative, I don’t trust women/men. But I’m just going to proudly tell you that my parents are still married so I sound like I come from a healthy family. At some point, you’re going to say something that reminds me of my mother/father, and that’s when I’ll call you crazy or a jerk and be up out.

“I don’t have a will to work. The only reason I have a job now is because people pressured me. But if I lose this job, I am just going to sit at home and play video games, check Facebook, etc.”

But here’s the catch: the transparency button works both ways. It will also get you to reveal things about yourself! That’s right! Here’s what will shoot out of your mouth without your permission: the parts of your past that you wish you could erase; blind spots (what other people notice about your personality or character that you don’t see yourself). Oh snap!!

Describing myself on paper, I wouldn’t confess to having relationship baggage. But after the breakup of cheating January Boyfriend, if my new July Boyfriend pushed that button on me, I would have been compelled to say “Hey July Boyfriend: I’ll trust you sometimes but there will come a day when you say you’re going somewhere, and I won’t really believe you. I will believe you’re hiding something from me.” Last January, I was emotionally free; by July, I took a couple of rides on the struggle bus.

When I eventually told July Boyfriend about said struggles, I knew he would either appreciate the honesty or become more cautious and closed off. He did both. My admission ushered us out of the ‘everything will be perfect until the end of time’ euphoria stage. And unfortunately, there wasn’t enough trust or faith established to grow from there (hence my Another One Bites the Dust blog). Would I have done things differently knowing how it turned out? Nope. I gotta believe that my honesty really is the best policy even if someone chooses to lose faith in me because of it.

So where’s the line between putting our best foot forward in dating while keeping it 100 about who we really are? When do you stop editing your personality and start getting really real? I think the answer is as soon as possible. When you have an issue that you know will be problematic in a relationship (anger, fear of rejection, addictions, etc.), tell the truth about yourself. Or when someone points out a major flaw that you thought you successfully hid, thank him/her and do something about it. Some people show up as an A+ on paper because they have spent no time discovering or revealing the parts of themselves that are a C, D, or F.

I have no scientific evidence to back up this theory but I believe that many people select someone because they find them attractive and then they cross their fingers hoping everything else works itself out. And then they hide parts of their personality that they think would be rejected by the object of their affection. The goal seems to be finding a way to hang on by any means necessary when the healthiest (and most brave and most honest) choice is to just be yourself and find peace whether that person stays or goes.

Dear Single Person: There is such a huge temptation to get ahead of one’s self and skip some important steps early on in the dating process. We want to jump ahead to the next stage (getting the boyfriend/girlfriend label, having someone to post Instagram photos with, sleeping together, fill in the blanks for yourself…) that we don’t give the current moment its due process. The whole point of this conversation is to encourage us to pledge to look deeper in others and reveal deeper of ourselves. I can’t help but imagine that this would help break through the haze of disillusionment that many couples experience: if we dare to be our authentic selves and don’t gloss over the less than perfect parts. What you don’t find out now, you’ll be dismayed by later. So let’s look and reveal deeper.

The post We Look Deeper appeared first on Jocelyn Jackson Williams.

Due to an undue amount of drama in my personal life, I have cherished silence and solitude like a boss! At the same time, I can’t help but be reminded about dreams for my own family. This is the time of year that grabs a hold of my unfulfilled relationship goals and serves me a daily fresh reminder of that of which I long for but do not yet have. It is called the Single’s Awareness holiday season. It’s a real thing. We’re in the middle of it right now. It starts with Thanksgiving and ends on Valentine’s Day. No two seasons have ever been alike for me. One year I’m happy to just chill and spend time with friends and family. Another year, loneliness can be the overriding emotion. Most years, it tends to be a cocktail of the two very conflicting emotions.

Single Person, what is this season like for you? Are you enjoying yourself?   And if so, in the middle of enjoying yourself, do you unexpectedly get bombarded with people and images of the family life you want? If you feel rejected or invisible, how do you survive the bouts of intense loneliness without making poor choices that feel good in the moment but only harm you in the long run?

People will tell you that the antidote to your sadness is to count your blessings and fill your mind with stories of other people’s lives whose are much worse off than yours. So dutifully, you grab a pen and write or you begin to think about your blessings. And after you’ve done that, does that exercise magically erase all the loneliness? H to the no it doesn’t. And that’s okay because that’s not gratitude’s job.

It is the job of gratitude to help us remove emotional blinders; it helps us to see the fabulous parts of our life that we would otherwise overlook. But it cannot and will not be an emotional replacement for loneliness. (Expecting gratitude to erase loneliness is like using whipped cream as an ointment on an open wound. Whipped cream is a genuine source of much happiness in life but its deliciousness can’t heal your painful life situations.)

So when you’re feeling lonely, if you can’t think your loneliness away, how do you get rid of it? Spending time with friends is a temporary fix. Parties, drinking, social media, dating to fill a void, sex, emotional eating, anything you use to numb your emotions—all temporary. So what’s the permanent fix? There isn’t one! If there was one, we would have done it already!!

The bad news: There is no “cure” for loneliness.

The good news: Loneliness is not a disease. Nor is it something that needs to be avoided. Nor is it something we need to pretend doesn’t exist.   It is an authentic part of life. In the same respect that happiness and contentment exist, so does loneliness. It is not a permanent forecast over your life; it’s more like a cloud that will pass over all of us from time to time.

A definition of loneliness that I like is: “the fact of being without companions.” By definition, the single person can be blessed with great friendships and simultaneously be lonely as they don’t have that one special person in their life. The married person can be lonely if that one special person in their life feels more like a distant stranger.

The moment my life became more consistently filled with happiness and peace was when I learned to not react to loneliness or any other emotion that I don’t like to experience. Misguided thoughts and bad decisions are born from coming to the conclusion that something is “wrong” because I feel sad. The emotions that I don’t enjoy will eventually pass if I am brave enough to allow them to exist inside me and serve their momentary purpose. And when something resurfaces, I acknowledge its existence, ask the Holy Spirit for guidance, comfort or support, and ride it out until it’s gone. Rinse, wash, repeat. Rinse, wash, repeat.

Dear Single Person: It is my hope for us all this Single’s Awareness season (and beyond) to successfully ride the waves of single life. May we not freak out during the hard times (by way of poor life decisions) and may we squeeze as much happiness out of our lives as we possibly can. Anybody with me?

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As I was reading the text message that would spell the demise of yet another relationship, my brain started playing the song Another One Bites the Dust in my head. I don’t know if that was my way of trying to cheer myself up & make me laugh in the moment or if I instantly felt the need to face the cold hard fact that I am once again back to the starting blocks. Either way, I am profoundly disappointed that something that started off so wonderful crashed and burned the way it did.

As it was happening, I was anxious and nauseous and it felt like my world was coming to an end. And then it happened. And my world wasn’t quite as sad or devastated as I feared it would be because I also started to feel a sense of relief in the midst of the pain. Conflicting feelings are a trip. In one minute I’m laughing at the irony of this happening on National Boyfriend Day and then the next I cry and the next Queen starts up again in my head and the next……. The seesaw of my emotions would be crazymaking if I didn’t already know that there is a natural ebb and flow to the up & down, back & forth unpredictability of emotion when you lose something that mattered to you.

There’s a book called Moving On, which talks about getting rid of your baggage from past relationships. In it, you spend some time writing down significant moments of each relationship you’ve had. I began writing about each one of mine with the awareness of what each guy had done wrong. What I ended up with, however, was a blueprint of my own weaknesses. Dear Single People, we have to know and be able to articulate our own junk. Be wary of anyone (including yourself) if they can only see the wrong in the other person.

So what did I learn from this break up, you ask? I learned that I am tempted to believe that the older I get, I’m screwed so I might as well work with the only option I have. I learned that a standard is a standard whether you’re 25 or 45 and I always need to be a respecter of the standard and not my age. I learned how willing I was to neutralize my wants and needs to be amenable to his. I learned that not saying something that is important to me in an effort to keep the peace demonstrates a lack of integrity on my part. I learned that one of my biggest struggles as a single person is still comparison: “If I could just be like one of those happy couples on Instagram and Facebook”….. I learned that the ideas I wrote about in the New Normal blog are really, really great; I’m just not there yet. I learned that I make a god out of my own belief systems. I learned that being open-minded is accepting the fact that there actually could be a life awaiting me that is better than the one I have planned in my head. I learned that Habbakuk really is my hero. I learned that cream rises to the top and so does poop; in a relationship, it takes time to see which one you actually have. I learned how much I love the written word and that it is a gift God has given me to be able to write about these things and share them. As always, I welcome your thoughts.

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One of the ideas I have to fight from time to time is that if I’m not coupled up, I am not normal. It’s not necessarily that there’s something wrong with me but something just ain’t right. This idea hits me when I least expect it. I’m just minding my own business and then I realize I’m in a room filled with married people and the only other singles in the room are children and the idea resurfaces.

I’ve been on a mission to reclaim “normal” for singles. Coming out of generations where it was normal to get married straight out of high school or college, there is a new normal awaiting us to accept it. In saying hello to a new normal, we have to completely, forever and always say goodbye to the old one. That means no comparisons to the way it used to be or even the way it is now for your friends and family. It means it is straight up new!

Here are a few glances at the new normal: single people feel no shame in attending events by themselves; no one wonders “what’s wrong” with them for not being in a relationship; singles have the conviction that it is better to alone than to be in a relationship where you know you are compromising your morals just to be with them; singles have the conviction that it is better to be alone than it is to be with someone who doesn’t value, honor or cherish you; people spend more time maturing in their faith and becoming more emotionally healthy than they do looking for Mr./Mrs. Right.

What I’m trying to say, dear single person, is that the power we do have to change the unconscious perception that singles are some sort of second class citizen in this world is to change how we interact within it.

If you reading this and have gotten a little excited about creating a new normal, please leave your own ideas in the comments section about what that looks like for you.

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