My parents made a lot of sacrifices to put me through private school.  But I wanted to be with all the cool kids.  And the cool kids went to public school.  I begged my mom to let me go to public school in the 8th grade.  She relented.  But at the young age of 12, I was unaware of educational disparities.  I went from high standards & expectations to some form of babysitting.  

I will never forget going to the Vice Principal to ask for permission to join the honors classes so I could be challenged more in my academics.  He told me, “You’re fine where you are.”  (My blood still boils, to be honest.)

I didn’t get my parents involved because, hello!  This is what I asked for.  Don’t you know that by the end of the year, I was begging to go back into private school.  Systemic racism is not political fodder.  It’s a freakin’ reality that I was exposed to at an early age.  I’m asking parents of color to be consciously aware of the people in charge of educating your child, starting from pre-school until they graduate from high school.

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As loathsome as I found that conversation to be with that nurse , she did bring up a good point: if we (men and women hoping to become parents and looking for encouragement wherever we can find it) are going to be on this journey through infertility together, we should be transparent about our efforts and actions and share them with one another.  It is a disservice to the infertility community to be quick to post “I’m pregnant” announcements yet choose not to mention the path that got us there.

I did get there.  I ended up pregnant!  And here is the complete lowdown of what I did:

First and foremost I allowed myself to be led by my faith

Fear is a mothersugar.  This journey is difficult enough without having to manage all the dread, doubts, and negative thinking coming from naysayers let alone yourself.  I received a Masterclass lesson in faith when I was single into my 40’s, not knowing if that special someone would ever come my way.  I learned the hard way not to base my hope for the future on the lack of today. 

And I carried that lesson into our infertility journey. 

Every time doubts and fears started creeping up, I reminded myself of what I DID know in the midst of all the uncertainty.  I knew there was a reason one of the first gifts Angelo gave me when we were dating was a bib; I knew that there was a reason I promised my mom I would fulfill her dream to have a son;  I knew that the emotional burden of this unfulfilled desire was too much for us to handle on our own and that trusting God with my deepest desire was a supreme act of faith. I decided that if this dream doesn’t happen for me, I will have to discover what’s next but I have got to show up every day bright with hope for my dreams.

One of the first gifts Angelo gave me when we were dating

Advocated for myself

I have gotten myself in the habit of taking an active stance in my healthcare, meaning I learn as much as I can on my own, consult my doctor friends, and ask for what I want/need instead of only being dictated to.  If someone was going to tell me no, it was going to be God.  I won’t be swayed by anyone else. If you are in your 40’s, trying to get pregnant, and haven’t started advocating for yourself in this way, you are going to have to start doing this TODAY.

Acupuncture

My friend Missylane was convinced that if I start adding yoga to my regimen that I would get pregnant.  When I reached out to a prenatal yoga teacher, she told me that the best thing I could do for myself physically is to do acupuncture.  I had weekly appointments throughout the IVF process and then throughout my entire pregnancy.  If you’re in Northern California you can reach out to Acupuncture Fertility Specialists or Way of the Phoenix for more information.  As you can imagine, the whole eastern vs. western medicine applies here.  At best, I have gotten a doctor to say it can help balance your emotions.  Learn for yourself to decide if it sounds good for you.

Took every test known to mankind

Both Angelo and I were tested for everything under the sun. I was tested for endometriosis and also had a biopsy to check for abnormalities while Angelo had his sperm count tested. The doctors ultimately ruled out all common maladies and diseases that prevent people from getting pregnant and this was one of the major reasons I felt emboldened to keep trying – the doctors did not find anything malfunctioning in either one of us! So, if there is something you take away from this is that you should make sure to consult with your doctor so he/she can let you know what tests you need.

Underwent IUI and IVF

These are the two methods we used to try to get pregnant.  We tried IUI twice to no avail and then tried IVF.  My brief IVF story: the geneticists examined the eight eggs that were extracted, said six were mature enough to test, and from the six, found and created one viable embryo.  And it ended up in a pregnancy.

There you have it: the entirety of our journey.  It is my hope that if you are reading this in the midst of your own journey that you find some direction and encouragement.  And if you’re open to it, let me know about your journey.  We really are all in this together!

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